 |
A woman visitor to a Presbyterian Church was disrupting church one day with your enthusiastic yelps of "Praise God!" and "Hallelujah!" On of the ushers tried to quiet her down. He tried to explain to her that she was disrupting the worship service.
"But mister, I got religion!" The woman proclaimed.
"Yes, madame," replied the usher. "But you did not get it here!"
A middle aged pastor took a week-long intensive course to update his preaching skills. The professor told the class that they should begin their sermons with a snappy introduction to get everyone's attention. As an example, he gave the following illustration:
"I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." Then, after a long pause, he added, "She was my mother!"
So, the pastor tried this trick when he returned to his pulpit the following Sunday. "I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." But then, after a long pause, he added, "But now for the life of me I cannot remember who she was."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "The Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
All of the houses of worship in one small town were located on the same street. The town's ministerial association had gathered at a coffee shop for their monthly meeting when suddenly, a fire broke out. There were only seconds to spare.
- The Catholic priest ran into his church and grabbed the consecrated hosts
- The Lutheran pastor ran into her church and grabbed the Bible
- The Rabbi ran into the synagogue and grabbed the Torah
- The Episcopal rector ran into his church and grabbed his vestments and altar cloths
- The Methodist pastor ran into her church and grabbed the hymnbooks and choir music
- The Presbyterian pastor ran into the Presbyterian church and grabbed the copier!
A gray-haired old lady, long a member of her community and church, shook hands with the minister after the service one Sunday morning. "That was a wonderful sermon," she told him, "-- just wonderful. Everything you said applies to someone I know."
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewr commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, becuase we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35 minute worship services, with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 500.
We have only 6 Commandments-- Your choice!! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament *Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings*. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800 year Millenium.
Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!!
|
|
|
Sermon Bloopers |
|
|
LONG TERM COMMITTMENT
Once, while preaching a message about marriage I was waxing eloquent about commitment. I said, "18 years ago my wife and I stood in front of a pastor in a church like this one. I said, 'I do." She said, 'I do,' and we've been doing it ever since!" --Steve A Hanchett
BEING UPFRONT ??
During a church meeting one evening, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the folks, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm just such a big boob." The Reverend rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. In this church we like big boobs."
TIGHT ECONOMY?
Just before the offering our music minister announced that we were to sing the chorus. "It's No Longer I That Giveth". - "Richard Wright"
LOST IN THOUGHT
Our pastor was preaching one Sunday evening and looked thoughtfully at the congregation, "Do you know where I'm coming from?" There were nods all over the group. He said, "Well, I'm glad you do, because I lost my train of thought and have no idea where I am." - Lara, Greenville, MS
CHURCH BELIEFS?
Our church has had several names during its history. I was at a clergy meeting recently and one of my peers asked me if I was at Lynnhaven Christian Church. I told him, "No, our church has never been a Christian church." ---Dick Dinges, Lynnhaven Colony Congregational Church
MIRACLE REVIVAL
Several years ago, a visiting evangelist appeard on the radio program of a local church. As a reminder not to speak in haste he concluded by inviting the public to the beginning revival meeting by saying, "Come to our revival meeting where the blind hear, the dumb see, the deaf walk, and the lame talk". -- wallace roberts
NEW BUILDING PROGRAM
One Sunday morning our pastor was explaining a plan for some renovations that were needed on our ageing church building. To facilitate this work and to keep the cost at a minimum, the committee had suggested that those in the congregation who could help should donate their time and materials. The pastor then announced that this would require "copulation from all members who are able." Of course what he meant was "cooperation." That pastor was my
husband. --Elizabeth Lewis
Pulpit Bloopers is copyright 2009 by Sermon Fodder Ministries (www.sermonfodder.com) and was compiled from contributing members of the Sermon Fodder List. |
|
|
Church Bulletins |
|
|
- Ms. Jenny Springs sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
- Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.
- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
- The Youth Group is saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery in back.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm --prayer and medication to follow.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The Youth Group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Our Prayerful Pounds weight loss group will meet at 7 PM at the Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth
Into Joy.'
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Church Humor