A woman visitor to a Presbyterian Church was disrupting church one day with your enthusiastic yelps of "Praise God!" and "Hallelujah!" On of the ushers tried to quiet her down. He tried to explain to her that she was disrupting the worship service.

"But mister, I got religion!" The woman proclaimed.

"Yes, madame," replied the usher. "But you did not get it here!"

A middle aged pastor took a week-long intensive course to update his preaching skills. The professor told the class that they should begin their sermons with a snappy introduction to get everyone's attention. As an example, he gave the following illustration:

"I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." Then, after a long pause, he added, "She was my mother!"

So, the pastor tried this trick when he returned to his pulpit the following Sunday. "I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." But then, after a long pause, he added, "But now for the life of me I cannot remember who she was."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "The Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

All of the houses of worship in one small town were located on the same street. The town's ministerial association had gathered at a coffee shop for their monthly meeting when suddenly, a fire broke out. There were only seconds to spare.

• The Catholic priest ran into his church and grabbed the consecrated hosts
• The Lutheran pastor ran into her church and grabbed the Bible
• The Rabbi ran into the synagogue and grabbed the Torah
• The Episcopal rector ran into his church and grabbed his vestments and altar cloths
• The Methodist pastor ran into her church and grabbed the hymnbooks and choir music
• The Presbyterian pastor ran into the Presbyterian church and grabbed the copier!

A gray-haired old lady, long a member of her community and church, shook hands with the minister after the service one Sunday morning. "That was a wonderful sermon," she told him, "-- just wonderful. Everything you said applies to someone I know."

Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewr commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, becuase we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35 minute worship services, with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 500.

We have only 6 Commandments-- Your choice!! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament *Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings*. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800 year Millenium.

Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!!